Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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