Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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