I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
