My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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