Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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