I could have mohawked her pubes.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
