Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
