Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
