dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
