3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
