the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
