Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
