Fine. I'll sleep in my office
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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