So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
