I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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