Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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