i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
