I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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