There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
