My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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