Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
