she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
