you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
