I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
