Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
