Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
