you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
my being single is dangerous.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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