I think I won the penis lottery.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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