I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
