So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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