Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
