nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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