can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
