Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
