Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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