I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Randomize
