2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
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