someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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