i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
