Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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