He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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