Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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