True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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