We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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