Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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