I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
