You're my little dorito
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
