So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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