If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
