I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
