where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
