I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
