I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
