he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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